I've been trying to get down...to the heart of the matter...

"I've been tryin' to get down...to the heart of the matter...but my will gets weaks...and my thoughts seem to scatter...but I think it's about...forgiveness...forgiveness...even if, even if, you don't love me anymore."

This is a random Don Henley song that my dad listened to when I was younger. I didn't really grow up listening to New Kids on the Block or anything else that was popular in my youth. I grew up on Beach Boys, ELO, The Eagles, Don Henley, etc. The lyrics above just came to my mind as I was thinking about forgiveness. On a side note - Will had never heard this song before and I made him watch it on youtube...poor thing :)

Anyways, this post is about forgiveness. God is teaching me what a beautiful thing it is to forgive others and how wonderful it is to have others willing to forgive YOU when you are the one who messes up. We've all been on both sides of the story I'm sure - the one who has to choose to forgive and the one who does the messing up and needs to be forgiven!!

I can remember a friend who in Monday morning devotions at work said something along the lines of "You never know what someone is going through...I hope that others can forgive me and that they don't have a skewed perception of who I am due to how I acted in one specific situation..."

She definitely didn't say it in those words, but you get the point of what she meant. She said this well over a year ago, and I think about it ALL the time.

I am grateful to have people in my life that are so forgiving.

On occasion, I will find myself really frustrated with things, and boy, do I wear my heart on my sleeve. Most days, I am a truly joyful person, and grateful for breath in my lungs and another day of life. However, sometimes when I get frustrated with circumstances, I can really think and/or say some things that aren't so nice. It sure is hard to bite your tongue when your flesh gets involved. James 3 - read it - it's all about taming your tongue. It's important!! I try to do this - but sometimes the flesh in me just comes out.

I do believe that most of the times my frustration is just. I have a former boss who once told me that she appreciated my righteous frustration about certain things. I don't like laziness or excuses. I want justice. I have high standards - for myself -- and for others. I am not a patient person by nature -- at all! Can anyone relate?

Now, I know that people make the argument all the time that Jesus got angry. He flipped the tables over in the temple...you probably know the story. If you don't know the story, read about it in Matthew 21.

So yes, Jesus flipped the tables. Sometimes I really want to flip some tables!! I do think that it is often appropriate to challenge others and take a stand for sure!! We are supposed to be soldiers for Christ and stand our ground. But I REALLY have to work sometimes to find my balance and not flip tables over the small stuff.

So - I am grateful for friends who forgive when I do get out of hand and when a bit of an attitude comes out. Lord, I am truly thankful for my husband who is probably the most shining example I have ever seen of someone who FORGIVES easily. God always matches you up with who you are supposed to be with. He has forgiven my attitude a million times and he has also really taught me how to not be stubborn like a mule and to forgive others.

I am grateful for a God who forgives me when I get out of line. I am grateful for fellow believers in my life who have time and time again shown their love of Christ and their love for me by forgiving me in weak moments.

So I say all this to challenge you to forgive others when they are out of line. You really never know what someone is going through personally or why they find themself so frustrated or acting a certain way. Who knows - maybe it is a genuine love for God that makes them so frustrated with something! Or maybe they are just having a bad day. Just think twice before you HOLD THAT GRUDGE against a fellow believer and write them off completely.

It is important to remember as believers that we are all on the same team and that if you want to be more intimate with God, you really don't have a choice but to forgive others in their weaknesses.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as he Lord forgave you."

All that to say, if you are holding something against someone, and you profess Christ and they profess Christ, you need think about letting it go!

Facing my fears...

Yesterday was nothing short of a perfect day. I woke up around 5:45 am (yes, when you have a 5 ½ month old, this is the wake-up time, even on the weekends.) I fed Owen, then we had playtime on the floor with all of his toys. Will pulled out the guitar, and he started playing different worship songs, with me singing along and Owen just smiling, laughing and playing.

It was beautiful.

We went out to the Farmer’s Market and purchased some fresh veggies. We came home and spent a few minutes cleaning, Owen napped, then we all got ready to go and went to visit at my mom and Jeff’s (Nonna and Poppie’s.) We got our usual Saturday Dunkin Donuts coffee (yum) and rode with the windows down.

Again, beautiful. We have so much to be thankful for.

Then Will pulled out some old mix CDs from our college days and, as usual, God took something small and rocked my world. See, when we dated in college, about every 6 months or so, Will would make a mix CD with different songs that we both loved. These were our "A and W" mixes - and after dating 5 years, we had a lot of them!

Will and I decided to play a game to see who could "name the band" first when the new songs came on. Wow - Will SMOKED me at that game.

But anyways, that is not the point.

I realized that I couldn't, and didn't want to listen to most of the songs on the CDs. Why, you may ask? Well, I strongly associate songs with specific time periods or memories. And all of these songs reminded me of my college days...and I found them bringing up painful memories.

See - when I was in college, I should have been living life to the fullest, loving every minute, goofing off around campus, studying, etc. I did goof off, and I did make straight A's (I also dated Will, had a roommate I loved and enjoyed lots of great friends!) - but I also struggled mentally with a lot of things. I spent several years focused on dieting, over-exercising, counting calories, being self-focused, etc. All these behaviors led to mood swings, depression at times, multiple break-ups with Will, nearly ruined friendships, stressful family relations, etc. I think a lot of people knew stuff was going on with me, but to others, everything looked to be normal and okay.

I say all of this not to depress myself or anyone else. Sharing these things can be downright embarrassing!

I say these things because God freed me from this stuff a long time ago!! As I grew to love the Lord and surrendered myself to Him, all these things were suddenly less important, and one day at a time, He freed me!

God allowed me to graduate and marry my best friend, then he allowed me to begin working for an amazing ministry, which helps young women in similar circumstances that I was in, and NOW he is allowing me to be a mother to the most precious 5 1/2 month old in the world.

My life has really changed. God never gave up on me, even though I was selfish...and clueless to the plans He had in store for me.

Will and I wake up and sing worship songs now. We pray together as a couple. We are doing our best to teach Owen the principles of being a disciple, even at an early age. I get to work as Treasurer at Mercy Ministries and carry a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.

So when I think of my life now, I don't even want to look back at those times when I was living in darkness - with Satan taunting me and trying to steal away my life. Those things are of the past and only a life which knows God is in my future.

I say all this to encourage those I know who have not given God a chance. If you are struggling with ANYTHING - from an eating disorder, to depression, to marriage problems, you need to SURRENDER. There is no better life than a life that serves God. He is the source of strength of joy, peace and love. Seriously. If you don't know what it means to surrender to God, I encourage you to just start by praying and getting in His word. I would also love to talk to you about it. It is time to WAKE UP and get out of the darkness people.

So this blog is meant to share my thoughts - on family, God, etc. I have appropriately titled it "Facing My Fears" because writing, for me, has always been a fear. I hope that by sharing my story and my thoughts that someone, somewhere will see something that makes them think twice. If nothing else, if you read my blog, you will get to know me a little better.

So here is to facing my fears.

Amanda