Facing my fears...

Yesterday was nothing short of a perfect day. I woke up around 5:45 am (yes, when you have a 5 ½ month old, this is the wake-up time, even on the weekends.) I fed Owen, then we had playtime on the floor with all of his toys. Will pulled out the guitar, and he started playing different worship songs, with me singing along and Owen just smiling, laughing and playing.

It was beautiful.

We went out to the Farmer’s Market and purchased some fresh veggies. We came home and spent a few minutes cleaning, Owen napped, then we all got ready to go and went to visit at my mom and Jeff’s (Nonna and Poppie’s.) We got our usual Saturday Dunkin Donuts coffee (yum) and rode with the windows down.

Again, beautiful. We have so much to be thankful for.

Then Will pulled out some old mix CDs from our college days and, as usual, God took something small and rocked my world. See, when we dated in college, about every 6 months or so, Will would make a mix CD with different songs that we both loved. These were our "A and W" mixes - and after dating 5 years, we had a lot of them!

Will and I decided to play a game to see who could "name the band" first when the new songs came on. Wow - Will SMOKED me at that game.

But anyways, that is not the point.

I realized that I couldn't, and didn't want to listen to most of the songs on the CDs. Why, you may ask? Well, I strongly associate songs with specific time periods or memories. And all of these songs reminded me of my college days...and I found them bringing up painful memories.

See - when I was in college, I should have been living life to the fullest, loving every minute, goofing off around campus, studying, etc. I did goof off, and I did make straight A's (I also dated Will, had a roommate I loved and enjoyed lots of great friends!) - but I also struggled mentally with a lot of things. I spent several years focused on dieting, over-exercising, counting calories, being self-focused, etc. All these behaviors led to mood swings, depression at times, multiple break-ups with Will, nearly ruined friendships, stressful family relations, etc. I think a lot of people knew stuff was going on with me, but to others, everything looked to be normal and okay.

I say all of this not to depress myself or anyone else. Sharing these things can be downright embarrassing!

I say these things because God freed me from this stuff a long time ago!! As I grew to love the Lord and surrendered myself to Him, all these things were suddenly less important, and one day at a time, He freed me!

God allowed me to graduate and marry my best friend, then he allowed me to begin working for an amazing ministry, which helps young women in similar circumstances that I was in, and NOW he is allowing me to be a mother to the most precious 5 1/2 month old in the world.

My life has really changed. God never gave up on me, even though I was selfish...and clueless to the plans He had in store for me.

Will and I wake up and sing worship songs now. We pray together as a couple. We are doing our best to teach Owen the principles of being a disciple, even at an early age. I get to work as Treasurer at Mercy Ministries and carry a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.

So when I think of my life now, I don't even want to look back at those times when I was living in darkness - with Satan taunting me and trying to steal away my life. Those things are of the past and only a life which knows God is in my future.

I say all this to encourage those I know who have not given God a chance. If you are struggling with ANYTHING - from an eating disorder, to depression, to marriage problems, you need to SURRENDER. There is no better life than a life that serves God. He is the source of strength of joy, peace and love. Seriously. If you don't know what it means to surrender to God, I encourage you to just start by praying and getting in His word. I would also love to talk to you about it. It is time to WAKE UP and get out of the darkness people.

So this blog is meant to share my thoughts - on family, God, etc. I have appropriately titled it "Facing My Fears" because writing, for me, has always been a fear. I hope that by sharing my story and my thoughts that someone, somewhere will see something that makes them think twice. If nothing else, if you read my blog, you will get to know me a little better.

So here is to facing my fears.

Amanda